100 / 2 STORIES ABOUT CHUCKCHA

Necessary foreword

1. /memories Ê.. U. Chernenkî/ Once Chuckcha has wanted to become the general secretary of the Central Committee of the Komunistic Party of the Soviet Union . Also became.

2. Once Chuckcha has resulted in boundary part Geologist and speaks: " However, spy has caught ". Him ask: " And from what you have taken, what this man is spy? " - So, however I go, I see: there is this man and on a rock by a hammer knocks. I ask: "Who are you? " And he answered: "I'm chief of the party". Chuckcha is not the fool, Chuckcha knows, who at us is the chief of a Party! ".

3. Once Chuckcha has brought in edition the novel. The editor has read and speaks: "Do you understand your novel is weak... You should read classics. Do you read Turgenev? Or Tolstoy? Or Dostoevsky?.. " - "However, I haven't; Chuckcha is not the reader, Chuckcha is writer."

4. Chuckcha has arrived home from Moscow and speaks: " Chuckcha in Moscow was, Chuckcha clever became, âå knows: There are, Karl, Marks, Fridrikh, Engels are not four men, and two, and Glory Cpsu isn't Jew. "

5. Once Russian speaks to Chuckcha: "Let's to play: I think a riddle; if you guess I give you rouble, there is no - you to me. " - "OK". Play. "One inside is red, outside is black and brilliant." - "Seal?" - "No". - "Deer? " - "No". - "Then I do not know." - "One galosh." Chuckcha puts rouble. "Two inside are red, outside are black and brilliant." - "Seal?" - "No". - "Deer? " - "No". - "Then I do not know." - "Two galoshes." Chuckcha put another rouble... Night, sit Russian and Chuckcha, play. "1689 inside are red, outside are black and brilliant." - "Seal? " - "No". - "Deer? " - "No". - " Then I do not know." - "1689 galoshes"...

6. Chuckcha speaks to the wife: "Do you know, why we are spoken that we such (knock on a tree)?" Wife: "Somebody is knocking". Chuckcha: " Sit, I shall open. "

7. Once Chuckcha has bought a case with an internal mirror. He opens it in house: "Hey, wife, look, e brother has arrived to me!" Wife approaches: " And a woman with him... "

8. Chuckcha acts on congress: "Comrades! Before Great October socialist revolution we, Chuckchas, tested two feelings: feeling of famine and feeling of a cold. Now we test three feelings: feeling of famine, feeling of a cold and feeling of deep satisfaction! "

9. Comes Chuckcha in State Committe of Planning. " However, 3000 bricks are necessary to me." - "What are they for?" - "Economic experiment." Have given. Comes Chuckcha in one year. "However, 3000 bricks are necessary to me." - "What are they for?" - "Economic experiment." Have given. Comes Chuckcha in one year. "However, 3000 bricks are necessary to me." - "What are they for?" - "Economic experiment." Have given, but have decided to check up, what he makes with bricks. Come, see: sits Chuckcha on a coast and throws bricks in water. " What do you do? " - "However, I think: why bricks are square, and traces on water are round? "

10. National theatre of Chuckcha has put performance "Caesare and Brut" in three branches.
    Action first. On a stage leaves large Chuckcha, beats itself by a fist in breast: "I am Caesare!" Curtain.
    Action second. On a stage leave large Chuckcha and Chuckcha is smaller. Large Chuckcha: " I am Caesare!" Chuckcha who is smaller: "I am Brut!" Curtain.
    Action third. On a stage leave large Chuckcha, Chuckcha is smaller also small Chuckcha. Large Chuckcha: "I am Caesare!" Chuckcha who is smaller: "I am Brut!" Small Chuckcha: "I am Brut!" Large: "And are you Brut too?" Curtain.

11. Chuckcha has arrived to Moscow. Goes in a taxi on city. Suddenly on a road apears granny. Driver goes to the right, and granny to the right, driver goes to the left and granny to the left too. Hardly - hardly driver hadn't touched granny. Go further. Chuckcha speaks: "Russian hunter is bad hunter. If Chuckcha wouldn't has opened door the old woman would leave! "

12. Chuckcha has warned that Moscow taxi drivers are swindlers. Chuckcha has arrived to Moscow, and passed by a taxi. The driver speaks him: "You owe to me three - twenty five" Chuckcha thinks: "Chuckcha is not the fool, Chuckcha will not be deceiving." Also begins to count: time - twenty five, two - twenty five, three - twenty five.

13. Once Chuckcha was going in Moscow. Him speak: "Bring deficiency." - "And where is it?" - "And as will see turn it means behind deficiency." And Chuckcha is in Moscow. Has caught a taxi and speaks to the driver: "Carry behind deficiency." - "In State Supermarket? In Central Supermarket?" - "However, where the turn is longer." The Driver has brought up Chuckcha to the State Supermarket. Has left Chuckcha on the Red Square, has seen turn in Mavsoley and speaks to the taxi driver: "However, I'll be here and you will be waiting here for me in the evening." In the evening taxi driver has arrived and asks: "Well, what did you buy?" - "However, I was not lucky: when I have got to the counter seller has died."

14. Chuckcha has received a new apartment and show to the visitors. The first room: "Here is tundra at me." The second room: "Here is tundra at me." Kitchen: "Here is tundra at me, too." A toilet: "Here is plagues of mine." Him ask: "And where you go in a toilet?" - "In tundra!"

15. Chuckcha has recieved an apartment and brags to the friends: "Apartment is good, only crane is strange: I press the handle and water begins to be poured; I have time to wash hands, but Ihaven't any time to wash face!"

16. Once Chuckcha has come in shop: "However, how much this garmoshka costs?" - "We do not sell any garmoshka to Chuckchas." Chuckcha has gone, has changed clothes under Ukrainian. "How much this garmoshka costs? " - " We do not sell any garmoshka to Chuckchas." Chuckcha has gone again, has changed clothes under the Georgian. "How much this garmoshka costs" - "We do not sell any garmoshka to Chuckchas." - "And how do you find out each time, that I am Chuckcha?" - "Because only Chuckcha can name battery of steam heating by garmoshka. "

17. Once Chuckcha has bought a refrigerator. Him ask: "Chuckcha, what's for to you a refrigerator?" - "However, to be heated in winter: in the winter in the street is -40, and in a refrigerator is -4. "

18. Once Chuckcha has come in shop: " However, have you got any colour TV sets? " - "Yes, we are", - "Then give me green please."

19. Comes Chuckcha home in jeans made of velvet. Him ask: "What's for to you velvet jeans? " - "However, that every insect run on its path.

20. Chuckcha is sinking and shouts: "However, I drink water! However, I drink much! However, I shall stay here for night!"

21. Two Chuckchas approach to the chief of a train. First Chuckcha asks: "Is this train will take me to Leningrad? " - "No". Second chuckcha: " And how about me? "

22. Once chief of station sees: approaches Chuckcha to the car of a train and is beaten about it by head, approaches to the following and again he is beaten by head, approaches to third and again he is beaten by head, etc. Chief asks: "Chuckcha, are you crazy? " - "However, I'm not, Chuckcha is looking for the soft car."

23. Once Chuckcha went in a train. He has arrived to home and all his body is in grazes. "Chuckcha, what with you?" - "However, I went on the top shelf, all time I fell downwards." - "So you have not exchanged with the one who went on the bottom shelf?" - " However exchange could not - there nobody was there. "

24. Once Chuckcha approaches to cash departments of trains of distant following. "Tell me, is train 975 goes on Berckackit?" - "No". - " And is train 1007 goes on Berckackit?" - "No". - " And the train 911 goes on Berckackit?" - "No". - "And where it goes? " - "On ...!!!" - "And is it through Berckackit?"

25. Chuckcha asks in cash department of Aerofleet: "How many time does plane fly to the Chuckotka?" - "Wait for a minute…" - "Thanks".

26. Chuckcha calls to the Politebureau. "Hello, I want to become the member of the Politebureau. What is necessary for this purpose?" Him answer: "Are you crazy?" - "Is it necessary? "

27. Once Chuckcha has returned from Moscow and tells: "However, I saw Moscow. I saw slogan "All in a name of the man, all for the boon of the man", but I didn't see that man."

28. Chuckcha runs along the street and shouts: "Freedom for Gorbachyov! Freedom for Gorbachyov!" Him stop. "Chuckcha, are you bunish from mind?" - "However, just till I heard radio: "In the conclusion Mikhail Sergeevich Gorbachyov has told!.."

29. Chuckcha tells to the wife: "Reorganization is as at us in a taiga in hurricane: above noise, below darkness and shishki are falling."

30. At the request of relatives Chuckcha has gone to Moscow to find out, when will be communism. Comes Chuckcha on reception to Gorbachyov and asks: "When will be communism?" - "Look: see, there is my car "Volga","Volga" of Lukjanov, "Volga" of Ligachyov. When in this line will stand your "Volga" then consider and will be communism." Chuckcha has returned in his home. "Did you find out?" - "Yes. See, here are stand my boots, your boots and another boots. When beside will stand Gorbachyov's boots then consider and will be communism.

31. Two Chuckchas look in the sky. "However, the plane flies! Government!" - "However, no: when government flies, then beside go motorcycles."

32. Once goes for a walk Chuckcha on the Red Square. He has stopped, looks at clocks on the Spasskaya tower. A man approaches to him. "Do you like it?" - "Yes", - "Do you want it? " - "I want", - "Give me one thousand roubles and wait for me here, I'll take a ladder and bring clocks to you." A man has taken money and has escaped. In some hours Chuckcha has understood, that him has deceived. Chuckcha has arrived home and told all this cause. There has arrived his brother to Moscow. He stands on the Red Square, looks at clocks. A man approaches again. "Do you like it? " - "Like", - "Do you want it?" - "I "want", - "Give me one thousand roubles and wait for me here, I shall take a ladder and bring it to you." - "Hey! Chuckcha is not the fool! Wait you for me, I shall take it by myself!"

33. Chuckcha has won "Volga" under the lottery ticket. Comes and speaks: "Give me red "Volga"." Him spoke: "Do you want black? Green? Dark blue? Yellow? And red at us is not present." - "Ah, so, - speaks Chuckcha, - then return to me mine fifty copecks."

34. Once Chuckcha has bought "Volga" and has gone to home to brag, and how to brake has forgotten. He race and race and ran with scope into a stone. The machine has turned into smithereens, Chuckcha has got in hospital. He has returned a bit later from hospital home and speaks: "Doctors have told, it is good, that brains is not present, and that would be concussion."

35. Once upon a time Chuckcha has bought "Lada". He has arrived on them to the his home. People went on the street and admire. One Chuckcha has wiped headlights. "However, there are so large eyes!" Another has clapped on a roof. "However, what's the strong skin!" Third has taken for an exhaust pipe. "However - man!"

36. Has gone Chuckcha by the car to travel. All home saw off him. A bit later there comes a telegram: "I have arrived normally. I shall return soon." All home was waiting for him. Chuckcha was waited - there is no him. Day wait, two wait. In one month he comes. Him ask, why such delay? "However, there four speeds to go there, and there only one to come back, and the head gets tired by back beforehand keep up for road."

37. Chuckcha sits in a plague and read nespaper "Truth" with materials of the Party's congress. The man runs in. "Chuckcha! There your deer has jumped into hole!" Chuckcha does not come off the newspaper. The second man runs in. "Chuckcha! There two your deers have jumped into hole!" Chuckcha reads the newspaper. The third man runs in. "Chuckcha! There all your herd has jumped into hole!" Chuckcha lifts a head from the newspaper. "However, - he said, - there's ten-den-cy!"

38. Once upon a time sixth child was born in Chuckchas' family. Chuckcha also fills in the metrics: a nationality of the father - Chuckcha, nationality of the mother - Chuckcha, nationality of the child - Chinese. He is asked: "Why your child is Chinese if you, parents are Chuckchas?" - "However, Chuckcha read a newspaper and there write that now every sixth man on the Earth is Chinese."

39. Chuckchas have addressed in Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union that them have ceased to name by Chuckchas - it is insulting. And CC of the CPSU has issued the decision to name Chuckchas simply "as the peoples of Far North". Demonstration in First May celebrating. The commentator transfers: "There is a delegation of the peoples of Far North. They bear headers: "WORLD!","WORK!","MAY", "JUNE","JULY","AUGUST"... No! All the same they are Chuckchas! "

40. Chuckcha comes to the doctor and speaks: "Why everyone call me Chuckcha? Am I such man, yeah?" The Doctor has opened his head and sees: two parallel crinkles. He has taken and has put their cross crosswise. In the morning Chuckcha rises, approaches to a mirror and speaks with Ukrainian accent: "Oh, I'm so well guy!"

41. There are two Chuckchas go in the forest. One drags a pay phone, and second drags big plank of wood. "What's for to you this pay phone?" - "However, if the wolf will attack, I shall hide in it. And wolf won't eat me. And what's for to you this wooden plank?" - "However, if the wolf will attack, I shall throw it and it will be easier to me to run. "

42. Once one Chuckcha goes and sees: another Chuckcha has dug out a hole till a belt and sits in it. "Why you have gone in this hole?" - "However it is necessary to be photographed till a belt." A bit later there is first Chuckcha back and sees: second Chuckcha digs one more hole. "What's for you dig one more hole?" - "However, it is necessary in duplicate."

43. Once two Chuckchas have lost the way in a taiga. One speaks: "When Russians lose the way, they shoot at air. So - shoot." Second Chuckcha began to shoot. He shot, shot and has ceased. "Why you have ceased to shoot?" - "I haven't any arrows now."

44. Once not mine Chuckcha has lost the way in a taiga. He stands on lawn and waves by hands: shows by marks: "I have lost the way!" Another Chuckcha leaves to him on lawn, too not mine and marks shows: "Why you shout on whole forest?"

45. Once upon a time Chuckcha was learned to jump with a parachute. Have explained all as it is necessary and have thrown out from the plane. Chuckcha all flies also can not recollect for what in any way it is necessary to pull. Suddenly sees, towards to him another Chuckcha flies. He also shouts to him: "Guy! How address with a parachute?" Second Chuckcha answer: "However, I am not the parachuter, I am sapper!"

46. Once Chuckcha was sent in investigation and also was told: "If the patrol will hear you, cry by any animal, for example by cat." Chuckcha go to the enemies. He has reconnoitered all secrets, creeps back, and patrol has heard him. "Stand! Who goes?" - "However, we, cats, creep to home!"

47. Once Chuckcha stood on the Pushkinskaya area and looked at the Pushkin monument. " However, who is he?" - "He is Pushkin". - "Has he written "Mu-mu"?" - "No, no, Turgenev has written "Mu-mu"." - "However, it is strange: "Mu-mu" was written by Turgenev but momument is for Pushkin."

48. Congress of the hunters behind the crocodiles in Êîngo. Englishman acts: "I have killed hundred crocodiles." French acts: "I have killed two hundred crocodiles." Chuckcha acta: "I have killed fifty nosirs." All were surprised and have decided to peep Chuckcha hunts on whom. They see: creeps Chuckcha with a rifle to a bush, from a bush jumps out frightened Niger. Chuckcha: "Crocodile? " - "No, Sir!"

49. Once Chuckcha has come to shaman and asks, what will be winter like - warm or cold? Shaman has thought: "If I shall tell warm, he will not prepare fire wood, and suddenly winter will be cold? I shall tell better, that cold." Also he has told. Then he became a shame and he has gone to meteorologists. He asks: "What will be winter like?" - "Cold". - "And why?" - "Because Chuckcha has gone behind fire wood."